Dying
Rethinking the language of death.
The concept and use of the word ‘loss’ to describe death, to me, is flawed. The essence of each person we experience in our current consciousness does not cease to exist when their physical body is no longer capable of sustaining life. When we consider death as change and transformation, we no longer feel the absence of someone’s physical body as a ‘loss’ in the truest sense of the word.
Grief and the act of grieving is unavoidable and is absolutely not something to ‘get over’. It may be triggered well before physical death with the anticipation of an ending – end of engaging, end of vitality - an end of all we use to define ‘life’. Coming to understand the relationship between dreaming and death opens us up to meaningful and healthy connections that remain well beyond the physical form.
Rebuilding the Road to a Good Death
Throughout this site, I use the term bereaved as reference to anyone experiencing grief in any form, before or after the death of a loved one. Grief can strain relationships, block healthy conversations, and challenge even the longest held beliefs. Someone who is dying experiences grief too and may find it difficult to discuss their own death. They may feel there is no one who can understand them or advocate for them when well-meaning expressions of love are based on assumptions rather than their actual wants or needs.
Services
Advisory Options
Similar to the assistance we need to enter this world, we all benefit from caring and fulsome assistance to move beyond. As a trained Thanadoula, or Death Doula, I offer people who are dying, their families, and friends, supportive options to provide the best possible experience through this time of transformation. Support and services can be provided in a home, hospice, palliative or hospital environment.
Curiosity Call
Have your burning questions answered in this casual phone or Zoom call.
Gain insight, ideas, and a better understanding of what Thandoula services offer in roughly 30 minutes. Free of charge.
Personalized Information Kit
A curated list of resources, ideas, and information to assist a person who is dying and the bereaved to navigate dying and death. This may require more than one phone/Zoom call and will be followed up by a kit prepared specific to their needs and requests. An hourly rate of $65.00 applies.
Collaborative Options
Engaging with those who are dying and the bereaved to offer supportive, specialized care as both a witness and co-creator of their experience is an important facet of Thanadoula care. Providing a multitude of options, this support can range widely based on the needs expressed. Below is an outline of the initial sessions necessary to develop an appropriate plan that can be implemented in the weeks that follow.
Thanadoula Support
A Thanadoula is familiar with and trained in working through the challenges families, friends, and the dying face in the time leading up to and following death. I work with the dying to help them envision (and communicate) their ideas for a ‘good death’ then co-create the experience.
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An introductory meeting that can last up to 45 minutes in length where anyone interested can join in person or via Zoom to discuss needs, interests, and concerns. In this meeting, clients will get an idea of who I am and whether our ideals and goals align. A $20.00 flat rate applies.
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Once determined we wish to work together, a follow up to the Introduction Session will be booked to discuss in greater detail the services and options available. Clients will be required to answer a series of questions that will have been distributed beforehand to guide the conversation and assist in determining the ideal options and best suggestions are provided. An hourly rate of $65.00 applies.
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Follow up to the Exploration Session, we gather to determine the services that best suit, timing, those taking part, and frequency of my involvement. Rates for the work will be outlined and agreed upon with written/signed documentation. An hourly rate of $65.00 applies for the session; payment plans for further engagement negotiable.
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Sitting vigil is an important part of the last few days of one’s life but it can be a challenge for family and friends to be available around the clock. A Thanadoula may join family and friends in this practice to provide support and bear witness to this incredibly important moment in time while allowing them a period of rest knowing their loved one is not alone in those final hours. An hourly rate of $65.00 applies.
Home Funeral Guidance
‘Home Funeral’ is a general term for any option that does not engage a funeral home in the traditional manner. Many are not aware that a person’s remains can stay within or return to a home or alternative environment after death has occurred. This option offers more accessibility to family and friends during the early stages of grief. It also provides opportunities for a more personalized experience unique to the individual who has died.
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These alternative Home Funeral services can be exclusively managed by loved ones of the deceased in a home or alternative environment. They can also be planned in tandem with some funeral homes who are willing to collaborate on select options. The approach offers an incredible amount of flexibility and is a wonderful alternative to the restrictive and costly nature of traditional funerals. They can be highly individualized and provide a deeply moving and meaningful experience to all those in attendance.
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An initial conversation via phone/Zoom up to 45 minutes in length to offer information and determine preferences. A recap email will be provided as follow up with detailed notes and suggested next steps. A quote for the required services available. A $40.00 flat rate applies.
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A deeper dive into the options available where decisions can be made and next steps determined. An hourly rate of $65.00 applies.
Testimonial
FAQ
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The term Thanadoula comes from the Greek ‘Thanatos’, meaning ‘Death’ and Doula meaning ‘Servant’. While training in midwifery, Henry Firsko-Weiss determined that that same support model that helped women give birth could be very effective when someone was dying. With the encouragement of his instructor, he developed a method of support for the dying and began training ‘death doulas’.
Thanadoula support is as unique as the people receiving it and can range from providing resources, guiding home funerals, and sitting vigil to encouraging legacy projects and sourcing paperwork for the transfer of remains. Most importantly, however, is that we bear witness to the experience of death with kindness and compassion.
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While hospice (in-home and residential)and PSWs offer wonderful care to people who are dying, they do not generally have the same scope as a Thanadoula does. Though some Thanadoula’s have experience in each of these areas – their role can include anything from spiritual/emotional support and guidance for death care planning to any other area of personal expertise like massage, Reiki, ceremonial or ministerial services, etc. The most important role, however, is providing safe, supportive space and advocating for the dying.
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Each Thanadoula has different beliefs and approaches. Some may be willing to provide information and have conversations about MAID while others will be more comfortable referring you to someone else. It is important to communicate your interest early in any conversation you have with a Thanadoula to ensure you receive the support best suited to you.
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People have differing ideas about what and how to tell children about death however, in my experience, children can be more receptive than adults. There are great resources and books to help start conversations with children regarding the death of a parent, grandparent or loved one.
Coming Soon
Two Minute Tuesday Talks About Death
Reflecting on my own experience…
For many years, I struggled with grief over the deaths of both my grandfathers. I wasn’t present for either of their deaths and that was very disorienting for me. It was the death of a beloved aunt – where I was able to be fully present for each stage and even carried her ashes to the graveyard – that helped me understand the difference in how grief is experienced.
Together, we can change our views on death.
Seeing death from a different perspective makes grief a "livable" experience and that is something I want to help others find for themselves. If you wish to explore this with me, it’s time we have a conversation.